I’ll never forget the day I learned about Facebook’s $19 billion WhatsApp acquisition. Instead of celebrating my own recent success as an author, I found myself spiraling into a pit of self-doubt. “Why hadn’t I created a simple messaging app?” I wondered, mentally berating myself for missing out on what seemed like an obvious opportunity.
Sound familiar?
We’ve all been told that comparing ourselves to others is toxic. It’s the ultimate happiness killer, the thief of joy, the fast track to misery—or so conventional wisdom tells us. But here’s the thing: If comparison is so destructive, why do our minds keep returning to it? What if there’s more to this story than meets the eye?
Recent research suggests that watching others succeed doesn’t just make us feel bad; it lights a fire under us, pushing us toward our own achievements. While comparison can certainly be a bad habit, there might be a hidden upside we’ve been missing.
A friend recently shared something intriguing with me. For years, she’s maintained what she calls a “secret mentor”—someone she follows online who serves as her unofficial measuring stick for success. This person changes periodically, but the pattern remains the same: Usually, it’s someone similar to her in age and background who’s achieved something she aspires to.
Yes, she admits, sometimes this comparison leaves her feeling inadequate. But more often, it serves as a north star, showing her what’s possible. These “comparison targets” prove her goals are achievable, not just pipe dreams.
Given that comparative thoughts comprise 12 percent of our daily mental activity, we’d better learn to harness them constructively. The key lies in developing a self-compassionate relationship with ourselves while acknowledging our natural tendency to measure ourselves against others.
The Fascinating Science Behind Social Comparison
To understand why comparison affects us so deeply, we need to dive into the psychology behind it.
Social comparison theory shows that humans have an innate drive to evaluate themselves against others. We measure everything from our wealth and social status to our physical appearance and professional achievements.
This comparison typically takes three forms:
Upward comparison: Looking at those we perceive as “ahead” of us
Downward comparison: Looking at those we perceive as “behind” us
Lateral comparison: Looking at those we see as our peers
For years, psychologists assumed upward comparisons were inherently harmful to well-being. However, recent research reveals something surprising: Depending on how we frame them, both upward and downward comparisons can have positive and negative effects.
The game changer? Understanding the difference between “assimilative” and “contrastive” comparisons and the two distinct types of envy they produce.
When we make assimilative comparisons, we focus on our similarities with the person we compare ourselves to. This tends to spark what psychologists call “benign envy”—the kind that makes us think, “If they can do it, so can I.”
Contrastive comparisons, on the other hand, emphasize differences and often lead to “malicious envy”—the kind that makes us want to see others fail.
This distinction explains why so many studies have mistakenly concluded that social media is universally bad for mental health. They primarily looked at contrastive comparisons, missing the potential benefits of assimilative thinking.
Some cultures explicitly recognize these two responses to others’ success. While both involve that familiar sting, benign envy channels our energy into personal growth, creating what psychologists call “approach motivation“—a fancy term for the drive to move toward our goals or what I like to call “traction.”
In contrast, malicious envy triggers avoidance motivation: We either try to distance ourselves from the person we envy or, worse, give up on our own similar aspirations.
Have you ever caught yourself unfollowing someone successful on social media or avoiding their latest achievement? That’s avoidance motivation in action.
The takeaway? Comparison, when channeled correctly, can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth.
When Comparison Becomes Toxic
Of course, not all comparisons are created equal. Comparison becomes harmful when it triggers thoughts like “That ship has sailed for me” or “I’ll never achieve what they have.” This is known as the “contrast effect,” a cognitive bias that distorts our perception of reality.
The contrast effect can turn a perfectly good day into an emotional tailspin. You might be feeling great about your life until you hear about someone else’s success, and suddenly, your own achievements seem insignificant. It’s like having your personal highlight reel interrupted by someone else’s championship game.
Take my reaction to the WhatsApp deal. The previous year, my book Hooked had become a bestseller, selling 5,000 copies in its first year (and eventually exceeding 500,000 copies worldwide). Yet one piece of news about someone else’s success temporarily blinded me to my own achievements—malicious envy in full effect.
Consider wealth, for instance. While society often equates success with income, research shows that money stops contributing to emotional well-being once basic needs are met—around $60,000 to $75,000 annually. Unexpectedly, people earning $95,000 more often report lower life satisfaction than those making less.
This counterintuitive finding perfectly illustrates how our assumptions about “more is better” comparison can lead us astray. We chase higher salaries, thinking they’ll bring greater satisfaction when the data suggests we might be better off focusing on other aspects of our lives.
Harnessing the Power of Positive Comparison
When used wisely, comparison can spark inspiration and motivation. Research shows that we’re particularly inspired by role models, people similar enough to relate to but successful enough to admire. As one study found, focusing on how we can become more like these role models often leads to genuine inspiration.
Therapist Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, offers an interesting perspective: “Follow your envy; it tells you what you want.” Our envious feelings often point to our deepest desires, even when we’re unaware of them.
Dr. Susan Biali Haas suggests viewing envy as a tool for personal clarity and growth. Each twinge of envy is an opportunity to practice gratitude and cultivate goodwill toward others.
Practical Steps for Healthy Comparison
Here’s how to make comparison work for you:
1. Check Your Mental State Before Scrolling
Research shows that upward comparison during depressive episodes can trigger a negative spiral. Wait until you’re in a better headspace to engage with others’ success stories.
2. Build Authentic Self-Esteem
Studies show that secure self-esteem leads to benign envy, while fragile self-esteem triggers the malicious kind. You can build up your self-esteem by noting your accomplishments, such as how often you practice an instrument or go for a run. Track your progress using my free habit tracker and celebrate your wins, no matter how small.
3. Practice Active Gratitude
Research consistently links gratitude with life satisfaction. When comparison triggers negative feelings, redirect your focus to what’s going right in your life.
4. Remember the Incomplete Picture
Everyone’s struggling with something, even if it’s not visible on social media. My friend’s revelation about her comparison target’s personal struggles helped her develop a more nuanced, compassionate perspective about that person’s public successes.
5. Get Specific About Your Envy
List exactly what triggers your envy and why. Use this information to identify your true goals and aspirations. Consider reaching out to those you admire; you might gain valuable insights and demystify their success in the process.
6. Define Your Own Success Metrics
While it’s fine to draw inspiration from others, make sure you’re working toward your own definition of success. Start by clarifying your core values and align your goals accordingly.
7. Let Go
Instead of unfollowing successful people, follow them mindfully. Take inspiration from others’ cultural practices when acknowledging their achievements. For example, people in Arabic-speaking cultures use the expression “Mashallah” (Arabic for “God has willed it” to express admiration and gratitude. As one Washington Post writer noted, this practice helps transform envy into genuine admiration and respect.
The key question isn’t whether to compare yourself to others. It’s how to use comparison constructively. Are you using it as a stepping stone to growth or a stumbling block to success? The choice and the power lie in your hands.
Hmm I'm curious to know more about the ways in which downward comparison can be negative.